Pink Starry Horses

So you remember that time I said "Enough is enough!" and recommitted to really doing Weight Watchers and getting out of this ridiculous weight range in which I find myself?

Yeah, that didn't happen so much.

I mean, the first week went pretty well.  And then the next... well, it didn't.  And I've just been sort of floundering between "I Care! I'm doing this!" and "Mmmm....cookies!"

 I may or may not have been involved in an "How many biscotti can you fit in your mouth?" contest this past weekend.

And I just can't get inside my head enough to figure out where the disconnect lies.  I want to be healthy.  I want to eat mostly clean, whole, healthy foods.  I want to work out to carve my body into what I know it's supposed to look like.  And yet I don't do it, and my weight is essentially unchanged from when I "recommitted" nearly a month ago.

One thing I know is that I am not okay with living my life in this body.  Honestly, I pretty much love everything about my life.  I have a great boyfriend, great friends and family, love BOTH my jobs, and I only see things getting even better.  Everything is going right...except this weight thing.

In general, I don't have self-esteem issues. I know I'm smart, hard-working, honest, kind, empathetic, compassionate, etc., etc., etc.  Not to be immodest, but I'm pretty awesome.  Yet, when I look in the mirror, I cringe.  I can say fabulous things about myself as a person, as an employee, as a girlfriend, but when it comes to my body, I have not one nice thing to say.  I mean, I can't even appreciate that my boobs are nice and big now, because I know they're only big because I've gained so much damn weight!  (How's that for truth?)

So what now?  Do I recommit again?  Is that worth anything anymore, considering all the past attempts to be committed to a healthy lifestyle?  I guess it's just time to suck it up and get back on the horse.

Because it's less scary to get back on the horse when she's pink with stars on her butt.

Let's Get Passionate

About getting healthy!

Seriously, it's time.  Here's a brief history:

I think I always had a skewed body image.  I distinctly remember making my mother buy me my first copy of Seventeen magazine because there was a cover article about a great diet to try.  Then I made my mother help me follow the diet.  It was one of those "eat exactly what we've got listed" type diets.  Or at least that's how I remember it.  I also remember there being a beautiful set of triplets with clear skin, bright blue eyes, and perfect blond hair on the cover.  I may have thought the diet would have made me as beautiful as they as were.  I was 10. 

I also remember quite clearly thinking that all girls got a little pudgy at sometime between the ages of 9 and 13, but by the time they reached 16 they'd be perfectly proportioned a la Barbie or Kelly Kapowski.  Seriously, I thought that. 

Happy Sweet Sixteen!  Time to wear makeup, date, and have a perfect body!

So, I turned 16, and all those weird insecurities I had developed so early on were still there.  Though, in hindsight, I was probably pretty fit at 16.  Fast forward some years, and I'm in college.  And I gained weight.  Freshman 15?  I don't know, maybe.  All I know is by the end of my second year, I was 35 pounds heavier  than I was when I was in high school.  And I wanted it OFF!  I joined Weight Watchers Online that summer, and by the following winter, I had lost all 35 pounds.  I felt fantastic!  I was proud of my efforts.  I was proud of my body.  I was proud of my new, super healthy eating habits.  And I was going to keep it off forrrreverrrrr!

Me at my goal weight in 2007.

That picture was taken 2 years after I hit my goal weight.  I had managed to maintain it (+/- 5lbs) for all that time.  It was also 1 month before I met my current boyfriend.  I'm not going to blame him for gaining the weight back.  But you know when you first start a new relationship?  And you're going out to eat all the time?  And you're socializing with each other's friends and drinking a lot?  So, a few pounds definitely came from that.  Maybe 5 or 10.  Another 25 or 30 came back by the end of the year (so, another 7-8 months) from a seriously stressful work situations.  And the steady availability of super delicious cakes and Cuban food at that seriously stressful job.  So, since 2008, I've been bouncing between 155 and 165, vowing every year to get back down to the 130-135 range.  And it hasn't happened.

This year, something finally happened.  I lost a little weight.  And then I gained it back.  And I gained some more.  And then I gained even more.  I've made various "commitments" to lose the weight.  But my head just has not been in the game.  So with a renewed commitment, passion, and zest for getting back my old body, I am leaving the past in the past and moving forward in a new Weight Loss Journey.

Weight Watchers, I'm back.  For real.

Zumba and other fitness DVDs, let's do this.

Kitchen, prepare for serious use.

Today is Friday, September 23, 2011.  I weigh 186.2 lbs.

Today I am the heaviest I have ever been, and the heaviest I will ever be.

And I am finally serious about losing a solid 50lbs.  And if I can do it by my birthday (April 12th), even better!

Happy 28th Birthday!  Here's your perfect body back.  Treat it right this time, will ya?  You know, forever.