Pink Starry Horses

So you remember that time I said "Enough is enough!" and recommitted to really doing Weight Watchers and getting out of this ridiculous weight range in which I find myself?

Yeah, that didn't happen so much.

I mean, the first week went pretty well.  And then the next... well, it didn't.  And I've just been sort of floundering between "I Care! I'm doing this!" and "Mmmm....cookies!"

 I may or may not have been involved in an "How many biscotti can you fit in your mouth?" contest this past weekend.

And I just can't get inside my head enough to figure out where the disconnect lies.  I want to be healthy.  I want to eat mostly clean, whole, healthy foods.  I want to work out to carve my body into what I know it's supposed to look like.  And yet I don't do it, and my weight is essentially unchanged from when I "recommitted" nearly a month ago.

One thing I know is that I am not okay with living my life in this body.  Honestly, I pretty much love everything about my life.  I have a great boyfriend, great friends and family, love BOTH my jobs, and I only see things getting even better.  Everything is going right...except this weight thing.

In general, I don't have self-esteem issues. I know I'm smart, hard-working, honest, kind, empathetic, compassionate, etc., etc., etc.  Not to be immodest, but I'm pretty awesome.  Yet, when I look in the mirror, I cringe.  I can say fabulous things about myself as a person, as an employee, as a girlfriend, but when it comes to my body, I have not one nice thing to say.  I mean, I can't even appreciate that my boobs are nice and big now, because I know they're only big because I've gained so much damn weight!  (How's that for truth?)

So what now?  Do I recommit again?  Is that worth anything anymore, considering all the past attempts to be committed to a healthy lifestyle?  I guess it's just time to suck it up and get back on the horse.

Because it's less scary to get back on the horse when she's pink with stars on her butt.