About 5 or 6 weeks ago, I committed, or re-committed, to getting healthy. I had commitment, motivation, passion. I was renewed. And a few weeks after that, I re-re-committed. Well, yeah, that last one didn't stick either.
Here I am. With 60 days left to 2011. (Because it's 4PM and today's pretty much over.) And I'm in worse shape then when I started the year, literally. How is this fricken possible?
I decided today to clean the slate - again. Start fresh - one more time. But, really, honestly, truly, I'm a little discouraged. I know that what I did in the past does not have to be an indicator of what I do in the future. I can change! I've changed before. For the better, generally speaking.
Here's the thing, though. To make a successful change, you have to want to change! Hm, I'm not sure that's the issue. I want to change my eating habits. Seriously, I do. I really, really, really do! Every
- Do I want that cookie? How badly do I want that cookie? Is it more important to show myself that I have self-restraint and/or will power than it is to have that cookie?
- What meals should I prepare to ensure I stick to my plans this week? (Two days later) Hm, I didn't start any of those meals. Guess I'm eating on the fly this week.
- What should I have for lunch? I have lots of work, so I'll just run downstairs. Salad or soup? Salad - I need to get some veggies in today. Okay, good choice... wait! I didn't mean to spend that many points on a salad! But, I guess the points are from cheese, olive oil, and an egg, so it's not so bad.
- I can't believe I'm so winded from walking up 2 flights of stairs. With my boss. How embarrassing. I hope she doesn't try to have a conversation - I don't want her to realize how out of breath I am. This is totally because I let myself gain so much weight. How on earth did that happen?
Maybe I should start with the results. What do I want to see? Who do I want to be with regards to my physical being and health?
- I want to be someone who eats instinctively. Who eats because she is hungry or approaching hunger, and knows when she is satisfied enough to end the meal.
- I want to be someone who enjoys food. It's worth repeating: I want to enjoy my food. Yes, one needs to eat to live. But, let me be clear, I also enjoy food. I enjoy preparing it. I enjoy pouring myself into a meal. I enjoy serving it to others. And once in a while, I actually enjoy eating it. When I actually slow down enough to taste what I'm eating. To savor the flavors that have come together. I find cooking to be an art form. And a talent that I have developed and continue to develop. But it's really difficult to appreciate that art or talent when you aren't paying attention to your meal, are eating out of boredom, sadness, excitement, fatigue, or any other emotions.
- I want to recognize my emotions and find another way to deal with them that does not involve food.
- I want to eat wholesome meals that are minimally processed, most of the time. And learn to enjoy special treats in moderation.
- I want to learn moderation.
- I want to be physically fit and comfortable in my body. I have a specific "goal weight" in mind, but I believe I can be happy if not at that weight as long as I feel my body looks pretty good. I'm not sure how to measure that, though, other than "I'll just know."
- I want to maintain good health and decrease my chances of developing weight-related illness or injuries. I've seen these things in family members, and I do not want them for myself.
- Eventually, I want to start a family. I want to be healthy before I get pregnant. And I want to model good eating habits and general healthy well-being for my future children.
I'm at a loss. I get all gung-ho about being healthy, following Weight Watchers, etc on any given morning. And then I find myself on the couch with a bag of chips, 2 donuts, and 3/4 of a frozen pizza. (At least it's not the whole pizza???) I think it was only this past year or two that I would actually plan out binges in advance. Perhaps this is why I'm so afraid of grocery store judgment, because I'm judging myself the whole way. I don't think I intentionally started planning binges. I think it just kind of happened one day. And then it continued to happen, to the point where it's almost natural now. Automatic, sometimes. At some point, each time, I recognize I'm in the middle of or about to start a binge. I shrug my shoulders and continue to the point of being over-stuffed and usually feeling pretty gross. Sometimes I feel badly about the binge. Sometimes I feel nothing.
I started writing this post thinking that I was over-dramatizing. And that I just needed to focus and put my mind to it. The more I've written (and I am sorry for the ridiculous length of this post), the more I've started to realize that maybe this is real, legit problem. I've always had issues classifying myself as something. In college I suffered from depression, but put off seeking help, minimizing myself thinking "But there are people who feel worse than I do." I think I've done the same thing recently. I've been struggling with the idea that maybe I have a real problem, but figure there are people who have far worse problems with food than I do. I don't think I necessarily have a food addiction, but maybe I really have developed a disorder and skewed my relationship with food. (And there are more facts that I'm choosing to not put out there on the interwebs at the moment.) Maybe the change that I need to make is to admit and accept that, and accept that it's going to be a difficult journey. Maybe I need to realize that just because someone might have a worse problem, my problem isn't "no big deal." And maybe I need to let myself get whatever help it is that I need for that problem.
This was a very emotional entry for me to write. I feel completely spent right now.