Starting Over, Again

Today is November 1st.  (How did that happen, by the way?  Where has this year gone?)

About 5 or 6 weeks ago, I committed, or re-committed, to getting healthy.   I had commitment, motivation, passion.  I was renewed.  And a few weeks after that, I re-re-committed.   Well, yeah, that last one didn't stick either.

Here I am.  With 60 days left to 2011.  (Because it's 4PM and today's pretty much over.)  And I'm in worse shape then when I started the year, literally.  How is this fricken possible?

I decided today to clean the slate - again.  Start fresh - one more time.  But, really, honestly, truly, I'm a little discouraged.  I know that what I did in the past does not have to be an indicator of what I do in the future.  I can change!  I've changed before.  For the better, generally speaking.

Here's the thing, though.  To make a successful change, you have to want to change!  Hm, I'm not sure that's the issue.  I want to change my eating habits.  Seriously, I do.  I really, really, really do!  Every week day minute I'm thinking about this.

• Do I want that cookie?  How badly do I want that cookie?  Is it more important to show myself that I have self-restraint and/or will power than it is to have that cookie?  
• What meals should I prepare to ensure I stick to my plans this week? (Two days later) Hm, I didn't start any of those meals.  Guess I'm eating on the fly this week.
• What should I have for lunch?  I have lots of work, so I'll just run downstairs.  Salad or soup?  Salad - I need to get some veggies in today.  Okay, good choice... wait!  I didn't mean to spend that many points on a salad!  But, I guess the points are from cheese, olive oil, and an egg, so it's not so bad.
• I can't believe I'm so winded from walking up 2 flights of stairs.  With my boss.  How embarrassing.  I hope she doesn't try to have a conversation - I don't want her to realize how out of breath I am.  This is totally because I let myself gain so much weight.  How on earth did that happen?

Albert Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.  Is that what I'm doing?  Have I, by definition, gone insane?  And if so, what do I need to change to achieve the results I desire and deserve?

Maybe I should start with the results.  What do I want to see?  Who do I want to be with regards to my physical being and health?

• I want to be someone who eats instinctively.  Who eats because she is hungry or approaching hunger, and knows when she is satisfied enough to end the meal.  
• I want to be someone who enjoys food.  It's worth repeating: I want to enjoy my food.  Yes, one needs to eat to live.  But, let me be clear, I also enjoy food.  I enjoy preparing it.  I enjoy pouring myself into a meal.  I enjoy serving it to others.  And once in a while,  I actually enjoy eating it.  When I actually slow down enough to taste what I'm eating.  To savor the flavors that have come together. I find cooking to be an art form.  And a talent that I have developed and continue to develop.  But it's really difficult to appreciate that art or talent when you aren't paying attention to your meal, are eating out of boredom, sadness, excitement, fatigue, or any other emotions.  
• I want to recognize my emotions and find another way to deal with them that does not involve food.  
• I want to eat wholesome meals that are minimally processed, most of the time.  And learn to enjoy special treats in moderation.
• I want to learn moderation.
• I want to be physically fit and comfortable in my body.  I have a specific "goal weight" in mind, but I believe I can be happy if not at that weight as long as I feel my body looks pretty good.  I'm not sure how to measure that, though, other than "I'll just know."
• I want to maintain good health and decrease my chances of developing weight-related illness or injuries.  I've seen these things in family members, and I do not want them for myself.  
• Eventually, I want to start a family.  I want to be healthy before I get pregnant.  And I want to model good eating habits and general healthy well-being for my future children.

I don't think that's too much to want for myself and my future family.  Really, I don't.  The question is, what changes do I have to make to achieve those things?  And to make them habit and keep them consistent in my life, rather than falling back into old habits?

I'm at a loss.  I get all gung-ho about being healthy, following Weight Watchers, etc on any given morning.  And then I find myself on the couch with a bag of chips, 2 donuts, and 3/4 of a frozen pizza.  (At least it's not the whole pizza???) I think it was only this past year or two that I would actually plan out binges in advance.  Perhaps this is why I'm so afraid of grocery store judgment, because I'm judging myself the whole way.  I don't think I intentionally started planning binges.  I think it just kind of happened one day.  And then it continued to happen, to the point where it's almost natural now.  Automatic, sometimes.  At some point, each time, I recognize I'm in the middle of or about to start a binge.  I shrug my shoulders and continue to the point of being over-stuffed and usually feeling pretty gross.  Sometimes I feel badly about the binge.  Sometimes I feel nothing.  

I started writing this post thinking that I was over-dramatizing.  And that I just needed to focus and put my mind to it.  The more I've written (and I am sorry for the ridiculous length of this post), the more I've started to realize that maybe this is real, legit problem.  I've always had issues classifying myself as something.  In college I suffered from depression, but put off seeking help, minimizing myself thinking "But there are people who feel worse than I do."  I think I've done the same thing recently.  I've been struggling with the idea that maybe I have a real problem, but figure there are people who have far worse problems with food than I do.  I don't think I necessarily have a food addiction, but maybe I really have developed a disorder and skewed my relationship with food.  (And there are more facts that I'm choosing to not put out there on the interwebs at the moment.)  Maybe the change that I need to make is to admit and accept that, and accept that it's going to be a difficult journey.  Maybe I need to realize that just because someone might have a worse problem, my problem isn't "no big deal."  And maybe I need to let myself get whatever help it is that I need for that problem.  




This was a very emotional entry for me to write.  I feel completely spent right now.

Pink Starry Horses

So you remember that time I said "Enough is enough!" and recommitted to really doing Weight Watchers and getting out of this ridiculous weight range in which I find myself?

Yeah, that didn't happen so much.

I mean, the first week went pretty well.  And then the next... well, it didn't.  And I've just been sort of floundering between "I Care! I'm doing this!" and "Mmmm....cookies!"

 I may or may not have been involved in an "How many biscotti can you fit in your mouth?" contest this past weekend.

And I just can't get inside my head enough to figure out where the disconnect lies.  I want to be healthy.  I want to eat mostly clean, whole, healthy foods.  I want to work out to carve my body into what I know it's supposed to look like.  And yet I don't do it, and my weight is essentially unchanged from when I "recommitted" nearly a month ago.

One thing I know is that I am not okay with living my life in this body.  Honestly, I pretty much love everything about my life.  I have a great boyfriend, great friends and family, love BOTH my jobs, and I only see things getting even better.  Everything is going right...except this weight thing.

In general, I don't have self-esteem issues. I know I'm smart, hard-working, honest, kind, empathetic, compassionate, etc., etc., etc.  Not to be immodest, but I'm pretty awesome.  Yet, when I look in the mirror, I cringe.  I can say fabulous things about myself as a person, as an employee, as a girlfriend, but when it comes to my body, I have not one nice thing to say.  I mean, I can't even appreciate that my boobs are nice and big now, because I know they're only big because I've gained so much damn weight!  (How's that for truth?)

So what now?  Do I recommit again?  Is that worth anything anymore, considering all the past attempts to be committed to a healthy lifestyle?  I guess it's just time to suck it up and get back on the horse.

Because it's less scary to get back on the horse when she's pink with stars on her butt.

Let's Get Passionate

About getting healthy!

Seriously, it's time.  Here's a brief history:

I think I always had a skewed body image.  I distinctly remember making my mother buy me my first copy of Seventeen magazine because there was a cover article about a great diet to try.  Then I made my mother help me follow the diet.  It was one of those "eat exactly what we've got listed" type diets.  Or at least that's how I remember it.  I also remember there being a beautiful set of triplets with clear skin, bright blue eyes, and perfect blond hair on the cover.  I may have thought the diet would have made me as beautiful as they as were.  I was 10. 

I also remember quite clearly thinking that all girls got a little pudgy at sometime between the ages of 9 and 13, but by the time they reached 16 they'd be perfectly proportioned a la Barbie or Kelly Kapowski.  Seriously, I thought that. 

Happy Sweet Sixteen!  Time to wear makeup, date, and have a perfect body!

So, I turned 16, and all those weird insecurities I had developed so early on were still there.  Though, in hindsight, I was probably pretty fit at 16.  Fast forward some years, and I'm in college.  And I gained weight.  Freshman 15?  I don't know, maybe.  All I know is by the end of my second year, I was 35 pounds heavier  than I was when I was in high school.  And I wanted it OFF!  I joined Weight Watchers Online that summer, and by the following winter, I had lost all 35 pounds.  I felt fantastic!  I was proud of my efforts.  I was proud of my body.  I was proud of my new, super healthy eating habits.  And I was going to keep it off forrrreverrrrr!

Me at my goal weight in 2007.

That picture was taken 2 years after I hit my goal weight.  I had managed to maintain it (+/- 5lbs) for all that time.  It was also 1 month before I met my current boyfriend.  I'm not going to blame him for gaining the weight back.  But you know when you first start a new relationship?  And you're going out to eat all the time?  And you're socializing with each other's friends and drinking a lot?  So, a few pounds definitely came from that.  Maybe 5 or 10.  Another 25 or 30 came back by the end of the year (so, another 7-8 months) from a seriously stressful work situations.  And the steady availability of super delicious cakes and Cuban food at that seriously stressful job.  So, since 2008, I've been bouncing between 155 and 165, vowing every year to get back down to the 130-135 range.  And it hasn't happened.

This year, something finally happened.  I lost a little weight.  And then I gained it back.  And I gained some more.  And then I gained even more.  I've made various "commitments" to lose the weight.  But my head just has not been in the game.  So with a renewed commitment, passion, and zest for getting back my old body, I am leaving the past in the past and moving forward in a new Weight Loss Journey.

Weight Watchers, I'm back.  For real.

Zumba and other fitness DVDs, let's do this.

Kitchen, prepare for serious use.

Today is Friday, September 23, 2011.  I weigh 186.2 lbs.

Today I am the heaviest I have ever been, and the heaviest I will ever be.

And I am finally serious about losing a solid 50lbs.  And if I can do it by my birthday (April 12th), even better!

Happy 28th Birthday!  Here's your perfect body back.  Treat it right this time, will ya?  You know, forever.